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roytheboy
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After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine:

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine:

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine:

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Life's a b*tch and then you die!

Lorraine
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BBQ Etiquette

12. Overnight everyone suffers from food poisoning and blames the woman because she didn't tell her man the sausages were underdone before HE served them. Smile

roytheboy
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BBQ Etiquette

Lorraine, I just knew you were going to be the first person to add a comment to this post Laughing out loud

Life's a b*tch and then you die!

Hugo
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But Roy you have left out the most important ritual of all and one that only Man can do; making fire! one of the most fundamental stages of a successful BBQ and one that we must perform to perfection otherwise everything falls apart, it is vital to spend hours discussing and deliberating the various merits of how to construct the coals in the perfect configuration for maximum successful sustained combustion, this one does with ones best mate and a dozen cans of finest lager and takes most of the afternoon to get just right.

Reminds me of one such event where we had settled on the best array of coals and kindling only to find that we had no firelighters, neither of us being boy scouts we didn't fancy attempting the time honoured tradition of two sticks or the time required, but an empty jerrycan suggested the next best alternative, one quick dash to our cars and a nice full 5ltr jerrycan.

Now of course we weren't stupid neither of us wished to pour petrol over a lit BBQ so we figured soak the coals thoroughly with 3-4ltrs of petrol and then we proceeded to pour a trail down the side and along the path back up to the top of the garden from where we proceeded to light the trail Smile spectacular! didn't half do the job, trouble was we lost half the coals all over the garden and the side of the shed where we had placed the BBQ was rather blackened Laughing out loud this of course had us in absolute hysterics, especially as we saw the opportunity to repeat it all over again. The girls were non too amused for some strange reason, didn't see the funny side of it at all
even accusing us of being irresponsible :roll: but we just pointed out how irresponsible it was to allow us to have anything to do with preparing the BBQ, that got them , huh.

Disclaimer: We were much younger then and had been enjoying refreshments for some time that day

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Lorraine
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Hugo
And after all that, you still poisoned your guests huh? Or would that have been put down to alcohol poisoning? Wink
Roy
I'm glad I didn't disappoint you. Do you run a book on these things... like I do? Laughing out loud

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Quote:
And after all that, you still poisoned your guests huh? Or would that have been put down to alcohol poisoning?


Having destroyed the BBQ and half the garden I think we went and got takeaways, well we didn't we were too pi*sed and that just would have been the final irresponsible step too far , so we made the girls go Cool

We were never allowed to play with fire again though Sad

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HellsBells
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I was going to say - but Hugo beat me to it - that the part men seem to enjoy most is pouring half the contents of a lighter fluid can onto the coals and then complaining later on that the meat "tastes odd - kinda fumey" Laughing out loud

I used to go out with a guy who was obsessed with barbeques (this is England remember - we have a 2 week barbeque season sometime in August). Middle of bloody winter he was out there - lighter fluid in one hand, zippo in the other. EVERY 3 OR 4 DAYS WE HAD A BARBEQUE.

I hate them. If never see another carbonised sausage or semi-cooked chicken leg again it will be too soon.

My strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it!

"Also, your CSS (no offence) makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon" - TPH

roytheboy
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HellsBells wrote:
I hate them. If never see another carbonised sausage or semi-cooked chicken leg again it will be too soon.

Well get yourself a man who knows how to use a BBQ then :roll: ...real men don't cremate the sausages or dish out under-cooked meat, even if they're as pi**ed as Rse'ols Cool

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roytheboy wrote:

Well get yourself a man who knows how to use a BBQ then

Wasn't high on the list of priorities when I was last interviewing for the position!

My strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it!

"Also, your CSS (no offence) makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon" - TPH

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HB do mean to say that BBQs in winter are dumb? what about Bonfire night, winter BBQ are the best and bonfire night the absolute best combination, Fireworks and BBQs, heaven for pyrotechnically minded and deranged people like myself Smile

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HellsBells
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There was a time when I loved Barbeques. Then I was forced to eat them twice a week, year round. I think I ingested a lifetime's worth of carbonised animal flesh in about a year.

For me it just comes under the heading "too much like hard work". I'd rather just cook the stuff under the grill, in the kitchen and go stand in the cold and watch the fireworks.

My strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it!

"Also, your CSS (no offence) makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon" - TPH

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Hugo wrote:
But Roy you have left out the most important ritual of all and one that only Man can do; making fire!

If the process of making fire involves removing your eyebrows, then the women aren't too impressed. I remember a few years back we were trying to get gas stoves working, and we were all warned by our instructor that you can lose your eyebrows. So this guy puts his face down near the stove to see if he can hear the gas come out, and FOOM! sent him out of their in a hurry, and his FIRST reaction was: "WHERE ARE MY EYEBROWS?" "DID THEY BURN OFF?" and he frantically pawed for them. Lucky for him, his toque was pulled down over his eyebrows. Laughing out loud

Hugo, that story was great. If it wasn't for the fact that I don't do barbeques, and I'm one of the more cautious male species, I'd have a blast doing that. :roll:

I refuse to be like the faceless masses of sheep and have a signatu......awwwwwwwww CRAP!!

Backups? Ha! I've never had troub**&{[}$$ERROR NO CARRIER